Dr. Barton, Guidance Counselor "Extraordinaire"
by Shinigami's Soul
Summary: Trowa is a guidance counselor for the school. And what kind of advice could our beloved Trowa be giving?! ...Well, it can't be right advice, can it? I mean come on! It's TROWA! R&R!


Author's Note: Here I am with more of my Trowa stories. …why do I even bother? Trowa's not even my fave, Duo is! Duo's wicked! So is Quatre, but back to the point…why? Well hey! Why did I bother to make a Justice Ranger movie! Oh, and if you didn't know, check it out! Go into my profile and click on JUSTICE RANGER: THE MOVIE! Awesome, and full of crap, but who cares! It was funny. Anywayz, enjoy! This is based on a skit from Mad TV. I just had to mimic it!

Dr. Barton, Guidance Counselor "Extraordinaire"

Mysterious person: {Turns around in a chair, in a dark room that instantly lights up} Hi…I'm Dr. Barton, a Guidance Counselor. Let me be _your_ guide to the mental issues.

Noin: Hello. I'm Noin, a commander of OZ. The person you saw was Dr. Trowa Barton. He's a Guidance counselor who gives advice. But apparently, not the right advice. Let's take a look at a few tapes.

******

Trowa: How may I help you, young troubled boy?

Heero: Okay, well. I was in school the other day, and I brought my gun out and killed a few people. I got in trouble. The principal said if she ever sees me with a gun again…I'll be suspended!

Trowa: …so?

Heero: So, what should I do?

Trowa: …bring the gun to school.

Heero: I'll get suspended if the principal sees me!

Trowa: So…don't let them see you.

Heero: Are you sure?

Trowa: Hey! Do I look like a person who would lie?

Heero: …

Trowa: …

Heero: …

Trowa: …

Heero: Thanks Dr. Barton! I owe you one! {runs out}

***

Noin: Heero, the boy you say, is now in Juvenille Hall for weapon possession…Dr. Barton, do you consider yourself to be giving good advice?

Trowa: {nervously} …excuse me?

Noin: Good advice, sir. Advice that is positive and that solves problems for troubled teens.

Trowa: {slowly and unsure} …yeeeeeessss…

Noin: What you just told that boy…about not letting the principal see him with the gun. Do you consider that to be good advice?

Trowa: It makes seeeeeeeeense, right? If it makes sense, it's all right.

Noin: I'm not so sure about that.

Trowa: Hey! Do I look like the kind of person who would lie to you?

Noin: …

Trowa: …

Noin: …

Trowa: …

Noin: …

Trowa: …

Noin: Not necessarily.

Trowa: Good. That does it for our little session. And-

Noin: We'll roll some more footage of what Dr. Barton is telling the kids.

******

Trowa: How may I help you?

Duo: You wouldn't understand.

Trowa: Try me. I was once your age.

Duo: …you still are.

Trowa: …

Duo: Anyway, when I was younger I used to love my hair and I never wanted to cut it and all that stuff.

Trowa: So what's the problem?

Duo: The people. My beautiful braid is getting MASSACRED!

Trowa: …maybe not as much as you think. And how so?

Duo: Oh, the tugging! The name calling! Won't it end?! I'm POPULAR, for hell's sake!

Trowa: I have an idea. But tell me more first.

Duo: Well, each day, they're always tugging at it during math class, swinging it during science and-

Trowa: Whip 'em.

Duo: What?

Trowa: Whip them with the braid.

Duo: But that's…painful.

Trowa: You feel pain, don't you? You want them to feel pain. So, if you both do, it's not wrong….It's _equal_.

Duo: Equal?

Trowa: {nods} …1+1…equals 2. 1 ounce of pain, plus another ounce of pain equals 2 ounces of pain. …equal.

Duo: equal?

Trowa. Equal.

Duo: Thanks, Dr. Barton!

******

Noin: Duo is now in therapy for violence with hair. …What was that?

Trowa: {chewing on a straw} …psychological terms and motives of speaking…

Noin: No, it was crap.

Trowa: Okay.

Noin: Are you sure you're issuing proper help for these students?

Trowa: Would I ever lie?

Noin: …

Trowa: …

Noin: …

Trowa:…

Noin: Okay. Let's prove our theory that something fishy is going on, by checking out a few more clips, shall we?

Trowa: {nervous and tense} No problem.

******

Trowa: Ah, greetings.

Quatre: Dr. Barton, this is really serious!

Trowa: Explain.

Quatre: Well…it's the tea.

Trowa: What tea?

Quatre: My tea, Dr. Barton! It's…well…I lost a tea bag yesterday!

Trowa: …

Quatre: …

Trowa: …do you have any other serious issues I can deal with?

Quatre: These guys…they're…well, this gang. They're always behind the school and they're always drinking and stuff. I was just walking by them, and telling them they shouldn't be drinking. Then the principal comes by and thinks I was a part of their group. She's going to suspend me!

Trowa: …so?

Quatre: So what should I do?

Trowa: …if…the principal thinks you're in their group…then why don't you _be_ in their group. She'll suspend you for her _thinking_. If you actually _are_ in the group…she won't suspend you.

Quatre: But I can't-

Trowa: Yes you can. Just wear a big clunky jacket and big boots. Grab a beer bottle and talk in _slang_.

Quatre: Will it stop me from being suspended?

Trowa: {nods} …yes, it will.

Quatre: Thanks, Dr. Barton!

*********

Noin: Quatre has now been suspended for a month for smoking marijuana and pot, and drinking beer. Who could've ever thought exactly? Well, Dr. Barton, what do you have to say for yourself?

Trowa: (nervously and unsure) I should…win a Grammy for such excellent tutoring?

Noin: Funny. I was thinking along the lines of locked up in jail and charged for the damage caused.

Trowa: …Very funny, indeed.

Noin: Well, it's not a laughing matter. I'm afraid, Dr. Barton, that you will be going-

Trowa: Well, one must back themselves up! Therefore, I have one more video to show you, to see if I deserve to be in jail!

Noin: It better be good.

Trowa: Yeah, it better be…

*********

Trowa: How can I ease thy troubled mind?

Wufei: Can you give me some tips on how to beat the most proud and uptight fool of the school?

Trowa: Oh, a battle of power and fighting skills, I see.

Wufei: No, a battle of tic tac toe.

Trowa: …

Wufei: …

Trowa: …

Wufei: …

Trowa: …

Wufei: …Doctor?

Trowa: Oh yes, absolutely. 

Wufei: How can I cheat?

Trowa: Ah, ah, cheating is 100% against the rules. I can't tell you.

Wufei: …

Trowa: I maybe could tell you, then. In tic tac toe, to cheat…fill in the squares improperly.

Wufei: How?

Trowa: Oh, well, let's say I'm X and you're O. If I wanna cheat, after I play my X, I'll draw another X where I want it.

Wufei: Oh, I see. But what if the space is blocked.

Trowa: That's where these come in handy. {throws erasers and white outs at Wufei) Use them wisely.

Wufei: What If I get caught?

Trowa: Tell 'em it was Dr. Barton's brilliant idea.

Wufei: Thanks Dr. Barton! You're a _lifesaver_! 

******

Noin: Wufei is now suspended for cheating-

Trowa: I don't see what's so bad about-

Noin: On an exam! …It seems the so called "Tic Tac Toe" match, was actually the midterm exams being held. Like tic tac toe and exams alike, you must place either Xs or Os in the squares. …Dr. Barton, You better explain.

Trowa: {runs}

Noin: Well…this has been GNDM Wing TV. Thank you for watching as we went one on one, intimate and interactive, with the now fled-from-the-scene…Dr. Barton, Guidance Counselor "_Extraordinaire_". 

************

Please review!!! PLEASE!!! If you do, I might get an idea for another episode! Maybe, maybe not!


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